Anxiety Reigning

Unfortunately at the moment anxiety seems to have got our family in its grip. I have been struggling since early April when I got told my discipline at university was being closed and we still have no idea what the teach out plan is and who is likely to be keeping a job. The uncertainty is not at all helpful for Sqk at this time of year when it is all change at school.

Sqk has been coping well – transition day the week before last (up to year 1 with experienced teacher) was hard for him from what I have heard (via childminder). He struggled with sitting at desks and was drawing on them (with pencil thankfully) and was definitely not calm. He has been a little fizzy for a few weeks – we have tried to keep the worst of my anxiety from him but it isn’t easy and he is picking up on it along with being tired and school routines going. SO we expected him to get much more fizzy and to have behaviour issues…

This last week it has all come to a head and he managed three days (2 full and 2 half) in school thanks to diarrhoea attacks. I have been off work ill thanks to a chest infection which didn’t help matters and on Wednesday I got a call at lunchtime to go pick him up. At first we put it down to him eating something he shouldn’t have – not the first bout of diarrhoea of the year although the rest have all been at weekends or during holidays – as I said to his class TA they have actually done well to get to the last 3 weeks before it has happened at school. Kept him off Thursday as we were wandering if it was anxiety related (sports day so decided too different) and he had no further bouts (loose/soft but not diarrhoea). So he went in on Friday full of it – and I got the call again at lunchtime. He has been having a lot of movements over the weekend but mainly just been very loose although yesterday morning was interesting as he took his own nappy off – cue boy in shower and Vax in use. Thankfully my mother lives a mile from us and I had pre-warned her Friday as given I was off last week I need to be in work this week (well have an interview at a local firm tomorrow). So he has gone to Granny’s today – and having phoned NHS Direct yesterday he also has a doctors appointment this morning as DH suspects he needs something to slow his gut down – and for under 12s it is a prescription only drug so he cannot supply it.

Update: Ok now it is policy to let U12s go a fortnight before treating – doctor will do stool sample to prove to school what they already know (he is not ill) and then we can send him back. No actually we cannot as they do not have the staffing provision to clean him up after every instance and do not want to be dealing with him in pull-ups (which is to be honest how we are coping). Annoying as anything – so grateful to Granny for having him and being prepared to continue to have him. DH and I have a cunning plan however…….

This weekend has been really good – we took a day trip to London to meet up with some of the people from one set of adoption forums. As DH said it was a train ride to play in a park and have a picnic. Sqk had a brilliant time – Coram Fields is a wonderful space and he spent a lot of the day on the roundabout (suggesting anxiety again as spinning is a regulation technique for him). We expected him to manage about 2 hours at the most – in the end we had to leave because it was time for our train home. Yes it was a long way to go but Sqk had a brilliant time and very glad we did it as it is always good to meet with others who understand. Due to my autistic tendencies I seem to have made a fair few friends over the Internet – this was the second group of people from forums who I had met up with.

Just hope we can get Sqk through this stage of anxiety and that at some point soon my job uncertainty goes away. I have another interview at end of month for a job which if it comes off will be brilliant. I am pretty much where I am to Christmas however as have a 3 month notice period and cannot go midway through a teaching semester – 3 months takes us into semester 1 so will have to wait till end of December unless we get offered a better redundancy package.

Instagram: Images from the past month

Three years ago today we bade a final farewell to Grandma. taken Jun 27, 2016 @ 09:13
Three years ago today we bade a final farewell to Grandma. #memories
Poignant today. Walked past this on a stroll towards picking Sqk up with the sounds of children playing at school. Wander if any on here amongst the local men who went over the top 100 years ago today. taken Jul 01, 2016 @ 15:16
Poignant today. Walked past this on a stroll towards picking Sqk up with the sounds of children playing at school. Wander if any on here amongst the local men who went over the top 100 years ago today. #somme100

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Thoughts on today

I have not been to a polling station today to cast my vote as we have postal votes due to (pre-Sqk) usually being away on first Thursday in May. But as those of you on Twitter know I am a support of Remain in Europe although I will acknowledge there are things about the EU I want to see change. However from a personal perspective I would not be where I am today without EU research funding and also free movement across Europe. Nor would I probably have a permanent job. I also know local companies are planning their move to Europe if the vote is remain as they cannot see how they can survive otherwise. The leave campaign want free trade but the only way to get that (within Europe) is (based on Norway & Switzerland) to obey 75% of regulations and to allow free movement with no say on those regulations. Indeed Norway (and other countries who get money from research budget) have to contribute to the EU budget…

I voted before the events in Birstall a week ago – a place 7 miles (by road) from where I currently sit. Last week’s killing of Jo Cox hit me hard – firstly she was an MP I had heard speak on local radio and whose views chimed with mine. Secondly there are a number of similarities between us – northern girls from schools with grammar in their name but not selective who went to Cambridge a year apart; she was only 8 months older than me and her elder child is a very simialr age to Sqk. Emphasises the fragility of life. I have to wander if without the hatred stirred up among (small) parts of the Leave campaign would she still be with us. The fact her killer is being tried under terrorist protocols points to what the authorities believe. An hour ago people held hands in Birstall at the time she was attacked last week – and last night we had the moving tribute to her on what should have been her birthday.

All I can hope is once the result is announced – and I hope it is the one I want – that we can heal the divisions this nasty referendum campaign has stirred up. Like Suddenly Mummy  I live in a place with a diverse mixture that has a population formed on immigration where race relations have been an issue in the past. Round here I am not looking forward to the reaction no matter what the result.

Instagram: Images from the past month

Three years exactly since my beloved Ricki had to be put to sleep. Still miss her even with a little boy bursting onto scene less than 6 months later. taken Jun 01, 2016 @ 15:51
Three years exactly since my beloved Ricki had to be put to sleep. Still miss her even with a little boy bursting onto scene less than 6 months later.
New nail colour….. taken Jun 03, 2016 @ 23:24
New nail colour.....
Great position for caravan this time. A young boy loved the freedom…. taken Jun 05, 2016 @ 17:37
Great position for caravan this time. A young boy loved the freedom....
Our base for the week…Sqk has already made friends taken Jun 05, 2016 @ 18:02
Our base for the week...Sqk has already made friends
Sqk & friend racing…… taken Jun 05, 2016 @ 18:07
Sqk & friend racing......

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Yesterday after sorting out a few things at work I got back to my office at work to discover the news that Gareth Marr has passed away. It has surprised me how much the loss of a man who I met three times in total – and heard speak twice has affected me. I was teary-eyed at the news – and in tears talking about it with T last night. I really do feel like I have lost a friend – and as the many tributes on twitter have shown so do so many of us in the adoption community.

I first met Gareth at the Adoption UK conference in November 2014 although we’d been corresponding on Twitter before then about adoption and education. Education has always been something I have a passion about due to growing up as the daughter of a teacher and now bothe the sister of a teacher and working in higher education myself. I am former school governor with special interest in PP and Gareth and I connected discussing the #adoptionschooltrain.

Every time I met him he was always well turned out with his trademark hat and that deep voice. When he talked you listened. Having met him in Birmingham when I heard he would be up to speak at the Yorkshire & Humber Adoption Consortium educaiton conference in May 2015 I immeidately invite dhim to speak to the local Adoption UK support group. We even got Ralph berry – a Bradford councillor with an interest in education and social services to come along. It is an evening that will live long in my memory and one that empowered a lot of us to go and talk to our schools. He certainly inspried me – my one regret is that T never had a the chance I had to engage with him.

When the education white paper came out earlier in this year and I realised that finally it would be recognised that our children in education terms have very similar outcomes to those in care (KS2 pass rate: 49% previously in care; 46% in care compared to 75% average nationally) I thought immediately how please Gareth would be. It was a bright spot for me in what has been a pretty horrible few months – little things with Sqk and major things with my work that I will blog about another time.

Now as I said on twitter yesterday we need to ensure that his legacy lives on.