Where we are….

Been meaning to update this for a while but work is hectic this semester thanks to a stupid teaching load. One thing the adoption process has done is made me take a hard look at my teaching load and make a serious request for it to be modified.

Anyway we finished our SEF finally at end of January. It was an interesting document to write and I was grateful to my sister for giving me her chronology and schools stuff. Made writing mine a tad easier as I only had to ask Mum about one date – when we moved from where I was born to where N was born. A lot of the SEF made my finally put down on paper some of the issues I have had over the years with everything that has gone on in my life.

Anyway that went off to our social worker and then we waited for first meeting on 8th February. Well actually first we had a meeting with most of the rest of the prep group other than the one older couple. That was a great evening and it was brilliant to find out all of us there had SWs and most were 2-3 meetings into home study. Just us and one other couple hadn’t started. Ended up with T inviting them all to our house in March for a meal.

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Reeling

Well a positive feedback session last week (30th November) which went really well. Apparently we both came across  as enthusiastic and making good use of the contact with N & M. There was nothing at all negative which made us both feel good about things. The point was re-iterated that we would get a letter in the new year telling us how long the wait for a social worker would be.

However today we came back from Christmas shopping and there was a letter on the mat which looked suspiciously like one from Adoption & Fostering. I opened it and it most definitely was. We have a social worker already – as of Thursday (6th Dec.). She is one of those from the course and someone we both feel we can get on with. Waiting for her to contact us this week and we shall see what takes us. Plus we have to get on with the SEF now….

Adoption Prep Course Pt. 5

The last evening of the course which was last night. Didn’t start out well for me as I was still chasing out students from lab at 5.50pm and needed to be at unit at 6.30pm – it was raining hard so wasn’t certain how good it would be. In end was fine but did stress me out a little – in fact I was third person to arrive – and T beat some others as well. Main part of evening was an adopted young man (just 18) with his mother coming to talk to us about his experience. He was very open and honest about the issues he had starting around 14 and the help he got from the after adoption support people to do some life work so he could understand where he came from (adopted aged 6 months and no lifebook). He told us that his Mum had talked about adoption for as long as he could really remember and built it up gradually in an age-appropriate way whereas someone he knew at school had it all flung at him at once. He was really good about the way he felt like a part of his adoptive family and for now had no real desire to find out about his birth family His older (adopted) brother has done so but partly because he has a baby on the way and wanted to know more for that reason. He also emphasised how valuable adoption was and how he encouraged us all to move forward with it if we were 100% committed. It was fascinating listening to him I will admit and really struck home about how close he was to his family.

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Adoption Prep Course Pt. 4

Posting this a few days after the event – been a busy week is my only excuse – oh and the iPad needed charging so didn’t post from that in bed as I have been doing

Today was about the remainder of the process on the whole. We started looking at our ecomaps (support networks) – it was interesting to see how other people had done theirs. We had the only fully computerised one – unsurprisingly for us as we are both very much happy on a computer than handwriting stuff.

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Adoption Prep Course Pt 3

An interesting day. Started off, late due to traffic issues, with looking at our significant objects. Talked about them and why they were important. Then we looked at attachment and what a secure base in arousal-relaxation cycle is and why it is important. Then looked at the effect of a non-responsive adult in the cycle and the effect of this in attachment. Talked about attachment issues and what problems they can bring. Then we divided into four groups and each one looked at what needs a child needs from adults in terms of needs: physical, social & emotional. Each group had a different age (0-2, 2-5, 5-10 & 10+). I was in group 2 and we came up with a number of needs fairly easily. It was interesting to note things like love & affection, food etc came up in all groups as we built the wall. Then we discussed what missing bricks would mean to a looked-after or adopted child (see the wall for a good explanation). Talked about how we could help our adopted child to recover those ,issuing bricks and what after adoption support there was. SW emphasised the need for early intervention & not leaving it to crisis point. Then another social worker (who was N & M’s original one who I talked to during their home study) talked with us about ‘Theraplay’ which is a ‘here& now’ therapy based on simple games in a structured way with a child. Very interesting and something I think we would use.

After lunch the 2 foster careers talked to us for a good while telling us their good & bad stories about adoption with their foster children. They again emphasized the importance of communication and mentioning any niggles/doubts at an early stage. They brought along a memory box for one of their long term foster kids who they would adopt if it wasn’t for the additional support whole he is looked after. It was interesting to see what was in it and one of the birth mothers commented it made her feel guilty that she had nothing for her children like that. Talking to the FCs it was interesting to here that their 17 year old girl would have liked them to adopt her, but she would loose out a lot of money at uni, so instead she is changing her surname by deed-poll. Throughout the importance of communication came through and the SWs running our course were also asking questions and said they were the best they had had on any courses they had run. The final exercise was to think about the definitions of neglect, physical, emotional & sexual abuse which was emotionally hard but interesting. Then we talked about one (real-based) profile and his history. We had to think about what effects his experiences would have left on him in terms of behaviour and the like.

Overall a hard but fascinating day. Got some homework for the next one in that we have to picture our support network which we have discussed, but not put down on paper.

Adoption Prep Course Pt 3

An interesting day. Started off, late due to traffic issues, with looking at our significant objects. Talked about them and why they were important. Then we looked at attachment and what a secure base in arousal-relaxation cycle is and why it is important. Then looked at the effect of a non-responsive adult in the cycle and the effect of this in attachment. Talked about attachment issues and what problems they can bring. Then we divided into four groups and each one looked at what needs a child needs from adults in terms of needs: physical, social & emotional. Each group had a different age (0-2, 2-5, 5-10 & 10+). I was in group 2 and we came up with a number of needs fairly easily. It was interesting to note things like love & affection, food etc came up in all groups as we built the wall. Then we discussed what missing bricks would mean to a looked-after or adopted child (see the wall for a good explanation). Talked about how we could help our adopted child to recover those ,issuing bricks and what after adoption support there was. SW emphasised the need for early intervention & not leaving it to crisis point. Then another social worker (who was N & M’s original one who I talked to during their home study) talked with us about ‘Theraplay’ which is a ‘here& now’ therapy based on simple games in a structured way with a child. Very interesting and something I think we would use.

Continue reading “Adoption Prep Course Pt 3”

Adoption Prep Course Pt 2.

Today was a little emotional at times, but interesting. Started looking at the adoption circle or triangle and the links between adopters child and birth parents. Interesting short discussion before moving onto talk from former community social worker (now an adoption social worker) talking about a family she had worked with and all the steps the eventually led to younger sister being adopted although older sibling remains in children’s home. It was fascinating to hear about all the issues involved and quite how long the process took, in part due to the difficulty in gathering evidence of neglect that we heard a little of last week.

Then we split into 2 groups (male & female) and talked about our path to adoption. It was insightful to hear 4 ladies talk about IVF and their experiences with it including 1 ectopic pregnancy. Our route is somewhat different as we never went down the IVF as we had decided beforehand that it wasn’t for us. Plus we had always seen adoption as an alternative path to being parents. After all I had been thinking about before I even met T. The other 2 couples have birth children – one tragic case of a early birth with severe medical problems which so far has required 20 operations plus a second child who died aged 7 weeks. Second couple have 2 birth children – one with issues, but mother had always thought of adopting so they are exploring to see if it was right or them. She was the one came prepared with tissues which I think we all needed.

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Adoption Prep Course Pt 1.

Arrived before T as expected given he was coming straight from work. Was met by one social worker who took me down to where we were meeting and introduced me to the other 2 involved in running the course – 2 from the adoption team and 1 from adoption support team. Several people were already in the room and in the end it turned out to be 14 of us. Variety of background – two couples with birth children, and at least two who had attempted IVF as I found out talking to them. Two other couples from the same place as us – and indeed one couple who live a stone’s throw away.

We started off (after toilets, fire exit and introduction to what the course was about) being asked to split into pairs and talk to someone we didn’t know and to find out 4 facts about them. The guy I talked to was a different background from me – married 4 years, been through 3 failed IVF attempts, worked in his family used car business and his wife was a beautician. Then it was onto a short quiz – some of which T & I could answer and some we got wrong – like the number of children in care in England (hadn’t spotted the key word England), and how many were adopted from care last year which we overestimated. Then we went on to talk about our hopes and fears for the course – lots of hopes and a smaller set of fears – many of which we had in common which was reassuring. Things like isolation, finding ourselves at different points as a couple, being rejected.

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